You bought all the books, you spent hours creating their nursery, you bought all the must have items on your registry and nested weeks prior to the arrival of your baby--then you brought them home. You watch them sleep, and nurse them or feed them every 2 hours. Your body feels sore, it doesn't feel the same anymore, and you just feel so tired. You feel disconnected to your partner, you don't recognize the relationship anymore. Because you are no longer the couple you were a few weeks ago--you are now parents. You have less time for each other. Less time for yourself. You feel guilty needing a break, you don't know when it gets easier, you are waiting for your "village to show up" but when they do, they hold the baby say how cute they are, and then leave. You feel disheveled, haven't showered, have loads of laundry to do, have to make your bed and wash the bottles or pump parts-you don't remember if you ate yet today, it all feels so heavy. Does anyone hold the mother? Does anyone care? Do you remember who you are? "You're doing great mama!" "you've got this". But what if you don't. It all feels so heavy. Your baby turns into a toddler. Starts waddling around. You have everything baby proofed, you have your gates up, you put in the outlet covers, and you no longer have any of your pre kid decor up--now it is all play mats and teething toys, learning toys and puzzles. You feel guilty as you reflect on the first year. You weren't more present. You were so worried about the milestones you forgot to notice the last time you breastfed. You forgot to cherish holding them for their naps and them snuggled up on you quietly. Your toddler needs you--again. Pulling at your leg, crying about nothing, about everything. Nothing you do is right, but keep your calm, don't get overstimulated, don't get overwhelmed. Talk to them calmly. Teach them fine motor, gross motor, abc's. How many words do they have, is that enough. Are you teaching them enough. How many times were they up last night. Are they getting sick? Are they teething. Are you socializing them enough, reading to them enough. Are they hitting all their milestones. What am I doing wrong. Why does this feel so hard. Why does this feel so heavy. Everyone is asking when baby #2 will be in the works. When will we give them a sibling. How can we have a second when we are barely surviving the first. You feel so tired. You feel like you don't know what you are doing. When was the last time you ate a real meal and not scraps from your child's plate. When was the last time you put on real clothes? Do they even fit anymore? Are you connecting enough with your partner. You look at your pet--you feel guilty as a pet parent--are you giving them enough time. You feel like there isn't enough time--you feel like you aren't doing enough. They are turning 2, you have mastered parenthood. Until the banana was peeled wrong - I'll peel this one different. Oh they didn't want it peeled at all. They no longer like bananas. They want the blue bowl, no the red bowl, oops they wanted a plate instead. Time to start potty training. Time to figure out transitioning them to their bed to sleep independently. Are they eating the right foods. Are they getting enough protein and vegetables. Why are they hitting, did I do something wrong. Is my kid behavioral? They scream at everything. At nothing. When does this get easier. When does this feel less heavy. "be grateful" "cherish these days they go by so fast" You are grateful. You do cherish these moments. But sometimes they feel so heavy. Sometimes it feels so lonely. Motherhood can feel so lonely. Motherhood can feel so hard. The guilt of being a parent is endless. You need to work to keep your identity, but stay at home because you are supposed to be the one raising your child. You need to change everything about your life- but not lose yourself or your friends. You need to have hobbies and activities, but find the time to make sure you are having your child in activities and socializing and learning. You need to find time to reconnect with your partner and not lose your relationship-but you are so tired. Everyone looks so happy on social media. No one talks about how hard it is. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is messy. Motherhood is exhausting. And you CANNOT do it all. So give yourself grace. Be gentle to yourself. Tell others what you need. Sometimes you have to build a village --sometimes they are not there. Find your support systems, your team, your people. The people who will talk about the hard. Who will hold you instead of holding the baby (until you tell them you need them to hold the baby). Who will be okay when you cancel last minute because although you want to make plans and want to be included--on those rough days sometimes you want to just stay at home because it is easier. Find the people who don't need your house to be clean to come over-who are come as you are type of people. You are not alone. And it IS hard. It does feel heavy. And there are people who can help you carry it. As a perinatal therapist I love helping mamas through these phases. To help them find their village. To help them carry what they can't carry. To help them through normalizing the hard. When it feels heavy--find someone to be there with you. To hold you. To listen. To let you know it is heavy-and we will carry it together. Postpartum Support International provides a directory for Perinatal Therapists near you. PSI Perinatal Mental Health Provider Directory | PSI Perinatal Mental Health Directory (psidirectory.com) To find support near you visit PSI or psychology today.
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